“How do I set boundaries with my Indian family?”

This is a question I get asked often by my clients, especially during the holiday season – after a family gathering that’s left them feeling drained, guilty, or on edge. While the holidays are a time of celebration, for many people who belong to families with dysfunctional patterns, they can also be a time of heightened stress and anxiety.

Within the Indian context, the word boundaries can feel almost relationship-ending. This is, in part, a product of the perceived disrespect boundaries are thought to carry. We belong to a collectivistic culture that emphasises filial piety above individual wants and needs. As a result, boundaries are often viewed as a barrier to connection – an attempt to distance oneself from the people who care about us the most, or even as a lack of gratitude towards them.

This couldn’t be farther from the truth. The purpose of boundaries is, in fact, to do the opposite. Boundaries exist to help an individual feel safer and more at ease in their relationships. Communicating a boundary is an attempt to allow someone to get closer to you, should they choose to respect it. The way a boundary is communicated, therefore, can make all the difference.

Passive versus active boundaries

Active boundaries clearly and verbally state a limit, and in the Indian context, they can often be perceived as harsh or confrontational. Passive boundaries, on the other hand, may be more effective and sustainable. Choosing to act rather than trying to convince relatives to approve of your decisions is an example of a passive boundary. Other examples include limiting the time spent in triggering spaces, not arguing or defending yourself, changing the topic, not answering intrusive questions, or offering short, neutral responses. They may be more effective because they still allow you to protect yourself without having to explain your choices constantly.

These are still boundaries, but they don’t require permission.

Internal versus external boundaries

In Indian families, external boundaries aren’t always feasible; they may be perceived as disrespectful. At times, internal boundaries – boundaries you set with yourself – may be all that feels possible. A boundary that is quiet and internal is just as valid as one that is explicitly communicated. Deciding what you will and won’t participate in, choosing not to explain yourself repeatedly, and allowing relatives to feel uncomfortable without trying to fix it are all examples of internal boundaries.

Sometimes, a boundary isn’t what you say; it’s what you stop justifying.

Why boundaries are still worth it

All of this is to say that boundary-setting is almost always uncomfortable. Even when communicated with care, the absence of conflict is never guaranteed. There is no shame in the way you choose to set boundaries; the process is ultimately about finding a way to protect yourself while moving closer to the kind of relational dynamic you are striving for. Guilt and shame are conditioned parts of this process, and while they can be deeply uncomfortable, their presence does not automatically mean you are doing something wrong. In fact, they may signal that you are venturing into an unfamiliar but necessary space. You might ask yourself: What kind of boundary would feel most sustainable for me right now – not ideal, but possible?

If you’d like to explore this further, you can read more about how to frame boundaries in the Indian context here.