A client once told me, “If I’m not hard on myself, I won’t change.”
This one sentence changed the way I explained self-compassion and its role in healing. It’s a fairly straightforward idea – but one we tend to struggle with the most.

Why self-compassion feels so difficult

This struggle is shaped by the kind of society we grow up in, and seems to transcend culture and geography. We’re often taught that criticism and self-blame are necessary for growth or improvement. If you’re not berating yourself after messing up, you’re not ‘repenting’ enough for the mistake you’ve made.

Over time, this belief becomes so internalised that compassion and empathy start to feel like the enemies of growth. In therapy, clients often feel threatened by the idea of being compassionate with themselves, believing it will set them back; not realising that it’s the very change that can propel them forward.

When shame is mistaken for accountability

People also tend to feel uncomfortable around those who don’t immediately spiral into guilt and shame after doing something wrong. It can be perceived as a lack of accountability. I’d go as far as to say that accountability only truly exists when empathy is involved.

Without empathy, you can admonish yourself for messing up and tell yourself that what you did was wrong, but you don’t learn why. And without understanding the why, it becomes difficult to trust that the same patterns won’t repeat themselves.

Empathetic accountability can sound like this:
“I was rude to a friend, and I feel guilty about it. I was tired and overwhelmed. I need to learn to recognise how my emotions impact my behaviour around others, and communicate when I don’t have the bandwidth for a conversation instead of lashing out.”

Without empathy, accountability may sound more like this:
“I’m a terrible friend and a terrible person. Why did I hurt someone I care about so much? I don’t deserve to have these people in my life.”

Compassion is not the opposite of change

So often, the fear underneath self-compassion is the belief that without harshness, we won’t change – that if we’re not punishing ourselves, we’re letting ourselves off the hook. But compassion is not the absence of accountability; it is what makes accountability possible.

So, the next time you find that you’ve made a mistake, acknowledge it. Feel guilty about it – that feeling exists for a reason – but don’t stop there. Pause and ask yourself: What was happening for me in that moment? What might it sound like to speak to yourself with curiosity rather than punishment?